


Raison D'être

by narumei



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Attraction, Character Death, Character Study, Dark, Descent into Madness, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, Kissing, Love Triangles, M/M, Minor Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Mother Complex, Murder, Past Child Abuse, Pining, Possessive Behavior, Violence, Yandere
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:26:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23516893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/narumei/pseuds/narumei
Summary: The emotion that was eating Atsumu alive wasn't regret, it was satisfaction; because he could finally get what he wanted.The way to create art is to burn and destroyordinary concepts and to substitute themwith new truths that run down from the topof the head and out of the heart.— Charles Bukowski
Relationships: Kageyama Tobio/Miya Atsumu, Kageyama Tobio/Miya Osamu
Comments: 13
Kudos: 172





	Raison D'être

**Author's Note:**

> Raison D'être  
>  **(n.) a reason for existing**

Happiness is a fragile thing, like froth. 

_Is this too disgusting as a prelude to a high school kid's will?_

On the night the person I love the most left me, even the shampoo in the bathroom ran out. Life is like this. What will I make, I add water to the shampoo bottle enough for a single use, shake it hard until it will be filled with the small foams.

That's when I thought so. This is me. A flowing current that reached into a source of happiness that was left a smidgen, making it foam—a small bundle of froth that fill it up, a spume that reflected the inner layers of multifaceted happiness. Even though I knew it was only a hole of a full imagination, it's better than the thought of an emptiness in the veil of this heart.

...

* * *

Atsumu knew that murder is a crime.Nevertheless, he still didn’t understand how it can be classified as a bad deed. Humans were just one of the unlimited entities that exist in this world.If its way to get a profit is to destroy the entity, isn't that supposed to be natural? However, he who thought like that too, was able to make an essay better than all of his classmates when the school had told him to write—with a theme called "Life".No, not only that, his essay was better than all of the middle school students in the prefecture.

He quoted Dostoevsky's words in Crime and Punishment;"The chosen extraordinary people have the right to violate conventional morals for the sake of carrying something new in this world." But then using the word "great life" to emphasize into that kind of child's style; _that no killing in this world can be justified_. Five pieces of essay, he wrote in time less than two hours.

 _You might ask, what exactly do I want to convey?_ Conventional morals were just a doctrine taught in school. Did anyone have an instinct to say that murder was evil? Weren’t most of the Japanese population with low religious faith only studying it at school since they could only remember this in their heads? That's why—they could accept, understand the death sentence handed down to brutal criminals, without knowing that there was a contradiction.

However, sometimes, there were people who cry that humans' life are all valuable, regardless of social status, big names, even criminals. Actually, what lessons did they receive that they could think like that? Were they born every night from a fairy tale that cries out about the greatness of life (is there such a tale)? If true, Atsumu could understand. He could understand why he didn’t have such feelings.

Because, his mother never once told or even narrated a fairy tale to him and his brother. Despite sleeping with her own children, all she could talk about were only stories about electronic engineering. Electric current, electric voltage, Ohm's law, law Kirchhoff, Thevenin's theorem, Norton's theorem. "My dream is to become an inventor. I want to make a tool which can take out any cancer cells within the humans' bodies." The tale always ended with those words.

One's views and idealism were determined by the environment in which a person was born and raised. Then, the basis of each interpretation of other people depends on who was first to form interactions with them. That is, for most people, that figure is the figure of a mother, right?For example figure A;other people who are raised by a strict mother will think of A as a kind person, whereas people who are raised by a kind mother might think of A as a strict person.

At the very least, the basis for Atsumu's judgment was his mother. Until now, he had never met anyone more powerful than mother. Which meant, there was no one around him whose death is lamentable.Therefore, sorry to say, but his father was included. Like the owner of an electronics store in the village, he was just a fun and enthusiastic person.That was all.

Atsumu didn’t hate him, but he didn’t think his life had its meaning either. There were also times when father was considered a nuisance by others, though it's not entirely his fault to be begin with. Mother met him at the most crucial time of her life. Mother who had just returned to Japan after studying at a well-known university and got a highest degree in the electronics field, was in a deadlock at the last stage of the research she was working on.At the same time, she had a traffic accident. At that time she was on her way home from a scientific meeting held by the regional state university.The Tokyo night bus crashed into a cliff due to the driver was being asleep. Reportedly, more than ten people died and were injured, it was a big accident. Mother was also injured and nearly passed out. At that time, the person who dragged mother out of the bus and lifted her into the ambulance that first arrived, was father. Apparently, they were both passengers of the bus.She said, father was on his way to attend one of his old friends' wedding.

From there, the two got married, and then Atsumu and Osamu were born. Other than mother, the only person Atsumu truly cared about was Osamu; his twin brother. Osamu always appeared to be the calmer, and more mature of the two. Respectful and reserved, he had a laid back and _somewhat_ deadpanned personality. However, with enough provocations (especially from Atsumu) he could be highly competitive and more aggressive. Sometimes even abandoning his filter and began spewing profanity (mainly toward Atsumu).

"Atsumu, Osamu, you two are smart kids. It's only you two that mama can trusted—who are able to achieve mama’s unfulfilled dreams." She said, one night. 

Maybe finally, something had slipped in the back of her mind as she repeatedly explained her research that had been postponed for a long time now. She wrote a scientific article without father's knowledge, sent it to a conference in America. At that time Atsumu and Osamu were nine years old.

After a while, the professor in the laboratory where she used to study for, convinced mother to go back to university.Atsumu was eavesdropping from the next room, instead of feeling anxious because mother was leaving, he was actually happy because someone gave her a good, adequate evaluation. However, mother refused the request. She really wanted to return soon if she was still alone, but at this time—he could not just leave her children. That is what she said.Atsumu was shaken because him and his brother were the reason mother declined the offer. They became a stumbling block to mother. Atsumu was no longer a human who had value.Even he felt his existence was denied.

People used the term _'major regret'_.He thought his mother refused the request while feeling the full sense of resentment. Then the feeling that she was forcibly suppressing got directed to the twins.

"If only you weren't born," She would always say. The same phrase, the same words, the same statement. And then she would hit Atsumu and Osamu every day, over and over. When they left some vegetables, when they made a small mistake in an exam, when they made a sound when they closed the door—every little thing became a reason for abuse.

She just couldn't forgive them who were standing right before her eyes.

Although, Atsumu did not wish to report to his father. Osamu had entirely different opinions. He didn't like the way this had turned out. Osamu's eyes were always full of fear and hatred whenever mother came close to him. But Atsumu was reluctant, even though his cheeks were swollen, his hands and feet were bruised, he didn't hate his mother. That's because the night after she had blown up all of her emotions, she would always come to their room to stroke their heads; and every time that happened, Atsumu had pretended to sleep, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," She kept repeating while crying. 

How could he hate her?

As soon as mother went out of the room, Atsumu would always pressed his face against the pillow underneath him, crying in a muffled voice.

He couldn't stand it, because his existence caused this.

That's when Atsumu first thought about death.If he died, maybe mother could be more satisfied. Maybe this time she could attain the dreams she had always longed for.

Atsumu simulated various methods of suicide that he could think of in his head.Throw himself in front of a truck that is speeding down a big road. Jumping from the elementary school roof.Stab his heart with a knife.Everything is really a terrible and sad way to die.Last winter, last year, he thought of his grandmother; who had died on a hospital bed like she was sleeping.Really, he wished to have some type of disease. And while he was thinking about how to die with all his might, his parents' divorce had ensued. That time Atsumu and Osamu were ten years old. Father had found out about mother's violence against Atsumu and Osamu. Apparently Osamu couldn't take the pain anymore, and so, he reported it without Atsumu's knowledge.

Mother did not give any reason, and as soon as the divorce process was over, she decided to leave the house. Atsumu already knew that he could not live by his mother's side anymore—he cried until it felt like his body was being torn apart, he was empty.After the divorce, mother had stopped hitting them. Instead, whenever there was an opportunity, she would touch Atsumu's cheeks and chin, stroking him lovingly. Osamu was too hostile to face her, his gaze always turned so cold and distant whenever mother came over to check up on them. But Atsumu couldn't blame his twin brother, and he could never hate Osamu for it.

At the end, Atsumu still chose to spend more time with his mother. On the day before the last goodbye, they both decided to travel. When she asked where Atsumu wanted to go, the latter couldn't answer.Because if he opened his mouth, it felt like his tears would finally spill.In the end, they went to a shopping mall that had just been built around the protocol street, named Sapphire Town.

There, mother bought him several dozen books and the latest console game. She let him chose a game that he liked, maybe so that he wouldn’t be so lonely for a few moments. However, she chose all of his books.

"Maybe it's still hard right now, but read it when you and your brother have gone to junior high, and yes. All of them are books that have had a big impact in mama's life. Therefore, you who have the same blood, will surely be amazed too." She spoke tenderly with a smile.

Dostoevsky, Turgenev, Camus...were not books that look fun, but Atsumu didn't care. _You who have the same blood..._ those words were plenty more than enough. Hamburger became their last supper. Even though mother invited him to eat delicious food, if only he hadn't been in a bright and crowded place, it felt like he wouldn't be able to hold back his tears.After handing all the groceries to the courier service, they went home on foot with hand-in-hand, even though the distance was a bit far.Hands that were deftly using a screwdriver, hands that made a good Salisbury steak, hands that had slapped Atsumu as hard as he remembered, also a hand that had stroked his head ever so gently. Until then, Atsumu didn't know that a hand could express so many emotions and memories.

Atsumu couldn't take it anymore. The water on his orbs began to spill.

"Atsumu, based upon the divorce agreement, mama can't go meet, call, or even write a letter to you nor Osamu. But don't worry, mama will always think of you two. Even if we'll be in a separate place from now on, Atsumu and Osamu will always be mama's beloved children. If something happens to Atsumu, mama will come even if that means I have to break the promise. Atsumu, please don't forget about mama." Mother said when Atsumu desperately wiped his tears with my free hand.

"Really? You will really come?"

Instead of answering Atsumu's question, mother stopped walking to hug him tightly in a warm embrace. 

This was his last happiness, for Atsumu who was finally empty.

* * *

The first thing Atsumu saw was an empty space without a trace. White to the root. Creeping to the sky.He felt his feet tread on a solid plane.But, he didn't know what substances that were being used.Stone, wood, earth, ice, sand, blind Atsumu.His view was bright. Too bright. It nearly felt like—there was no other existence beside him in this empty world.

When the seventeen years old wanted to shout—say hello, to anything or anyone in this white space, Atsumu found his vocal cords seemingly disconnected. _Lost_.His mouth opened, but no sound came out. A cold sweat formed, panic began to sharpen into a millisecond later.

There were no vibrations in the form of sound waves. Atsumu was sure he let out his tone, but his ears were struck by the silence. Five minutes later—or at least he thought, because he had lost his own track of time—Atsumu clenched his hand, trying to forget the malfunction of the larynx in his throat at the time.

Taking a deep, deep breath, Atsumu decided to explore. _It is impossible_ , he thought, _it is impossible that the scope of this space is unlimited_. There must be an end.He tried to be optimistic.

So, his feet went further.Towards an uncertain destination. Only depended on his instinct and his heart's content.White as far as the eye can see, the sound and tune that were lost, and the ears that he didn't know were functioning or not.There was no sound of clashing footprints against the ground—land or whatsoever.

Atsumu didn't know how long he had been walking, until suddenly, a crunch sound came from his foot.He looked down, only to find the gardenias being trampled on the soles of his shoes.Its white petals were barely visible in the scope of this space. Atsumu lifted his eyebrow.

When Atsumu raised his head, he realized that thousands of gardenia flowers were spreading wide on the ground.Far ahead, a red string appeared to decorate the petals.Atsumu, _not knowing what to do_ , walked back to the red square. Stepping on the gardenia with an anxious feeling.

Atsumu flinched in horror when his nose began to smell the scent of blood. 

"Miya-san?"

That sweet, modulated voice.

_Tobio?_

That person gasped a little.He coughed loudly for a few moments.Even from behind, Atsumu discovered that the bloody flowers had sprung up from him. After the cough had subsided, the boy turned his face away.

_Tobio! Don't leave me!_

And suddenly, Atsumu fell down, _down_ , **_down_**.There was no more white space, only darkness holding, folding him tight.He could vaguely see some red flowers circling around him. He grimaced in pain when he felt the sharp thorns piercing onto his throat.

_It burns. IT BURNS._

"ATSUMU!"

Atsumu gasped, his body jolted forward. He blinked his eyes repeatedly, touching the base of his neck. He was okay. A pair of grayish eyes stared at him, "Why are you still sleeping? The bell already rang fifteen minutes ago." Osamu sighed, shaking his head. Atsumu stared blankly for some time, before realizing it was all just a dream. A stupid dream.

Atsumu laughed apologetically, standing up from his chair to finally pack his books into his bag. He could see the way his hands trembling in fear. Atsumu swallowed hard on his spit, touching his neck for one more time. His chest was throbbing painfully.

"Tsumu, are you okay?"

Atsumu winced, his head bended down unknowingly.

"Samu, you go on ahead without me. I'll be there in a minute."

* * *

Kageyama Tobio.

When Atsumu first met Kageyama—the first thing that had caught the blonde's eyes were those dark ocean eyes. Atsumu really loved those eyes. That sharp, fierce, fixated eyes. Kageyama was a first year student with a simplistic nature and not enough social skill. He was a composed kid who had never felt afraid in voicing out his opinions, whether it's a positive thing or not.

Kageyama was strangely endearing, in a way Atsumu couldn't paint out. Despite the former's inability to properly socialize, he sincerely wished to do his best and was extremely passionate and dedicated when it came to volleyball.

Under the fluorescent gymnasium, Atsumu had transfixed his gaze at Kageyama. Sweats slowly running down from his temple as he tossed the volleyball toward an owl-eyed upperclassman, Bokuto Koutarou. Atsumu saw the way Bokuto ruffled Kageyama's hair, the man was grinning at the raven's direction. He could see Kageyama smiling tenderly at Bokuto, which then painted Atsumu's vision red.

_No. You are mine._

"Hey! Tobio-kun! Wanna practice your spike with me?" Atsumu chimed in as he approached them.

"Eeeh?" Bokuto blurted out. "Don't be a party pooper, Tsum-Tsum! I asked Kageyama to toss for me first!" He grumbled, circling his arms around Kageyama's neck—pulling the latter to his side. Atsumu could've sworn that something within him had cracked.

"Wait, Bokuto-san, you're squeezing me." Kageyama spoke calmly, still holding onto the volleyball.

"Keiji, your boyfriend is causing trouble again!" Someone had exclaimed in that gymnasium.

Bokuto grunted, letting go of Kageyama to walk over the other side of the court. "Tendou, you know that's not true!" Tendou took a moment to throw the volleyball at Kuroo before he dashed away—screaming Akaashi's name in a taunting way (even though the man wasn't in the gymnasium at the moment). Bokuto continued running after him as Kuroo began to laugh hysterically at them.

"So," Atsumu tried his best to ignore them. "Do you want to practice with me now?" He questioned the blueberry-eyes-looking boy.

Kageyama turned his gaze back at Atsumu, simply nodding his head in return.

And right at that moment, Atsumu wasn't sure if he should have counted himself lucky or not when he ran into Kageyama on the first day of his second year. It was raining and he was late to his volleyball practice, which was a pain on its own because he ended up getting mocked by Osamu. But somehow remembering Kageyama's anxious expression as they bumped on each other had put Atsumu at ease and a crooked grin on his face.

He still remembered the nervous introduction and the nonstop 'I'm sorry for being late, I'm really sorry,' from Kageyama.

What Atsumu loved even more was the fact how blunt and candid Kageyama was. No sugar-coating words. Kageyama's statements and opinions were always so raw and clear. Sometimes it would hurt, other times it would boost your ego.

At first, Atsumu couldn't understand why he paid so much attention at the younger male, Kageyama was nothing more than an idiot, a dumb goody two shoes who cared about volleyball more than anything else in this world (probably). He wasn't as intelligent as Atsumu or Osamu, he wasn't anything like mother. But somehow Atsumu felt okay with him. The genuine expression, the warm gaze, and the way Kageyama's eyes would always sparkle when he got overly excited; about nearly every successful move he pulled off in his volleyball games.

Kageyama Tobio was a foolish boy. But Atsumu never cared about that fact. Because beyond of his expectations—the foolishness Atsumu would always see and felt—it was so comforting.

Atsumu reached for the volleyball on Kageyama's hands, their fingers brushing with one and another. Kageyama was startled at the sudden friction, his cheeks turning pinkish.

That had made Atsumu chuckle. 

* * *

"Do you have someone you admire, Miya-san?"Kageyama asked him one day. His eyes were downcast, nails digging crescents into his palm. Frowning at the sound of birds chirping above their heads. Atsumu leered at Kageyama and the bright, blue sky. His golden hair was swaying; he felt the cold air brushing over his warm skin.

Atsumu licked his dry lips as he nodded slightly. _Everyone has at least one person they admire, right?_ It's probably a common thing everyone must've known. Kageyama grunted under his breath, his eyes seemed darker and more sullen than usual. "Who?" He questioned bluntly.

"My mother?" Rhetorical.

Kageyama nodded in agreement."Perhaps, every children admire their mother?"

"Not really." Atsumu simply answered.

“Why?"

"I love my mother with all of my heart, but maybe Osamu won't think the same way. You see, our mother wasn't exactly the best parent. She used to have a lot of issues. Our mom used to hit us a lot, in our faces, our hands, our legs. There were days when I felt I was really numb. But despite all of that, I still love her. Because at the end of the day, she would always come to my room to stroke my head, whilst continuously apologizing with tears in her eyes." Atsumu showed a sincere smile. "Our mom is an intelligent individual. Her dream is to become an inventor, she wants to make a tool which can take out any cancer cells within the humans' bodies. But ever since me and my brother born, my mom had started giving up on her dreams, blaming us because it was our fault that she had failed." Atsumu laughed.

"...And you're okay with that?"

The blonde shook his head. "Of course not. I used to hate myself, I was the reason for her failures. She couldn't be happy and that's because I exist."

Kageyama rose up from his seat, stomping his feet to stand in front of Atsumu. The latter smiled, Kageyama's shadow covering most of glimmering sunlight on his face. And suddenly Atsumu had the urge to kiss him.

"Don't say that." Kageyama muttered, pressing his hands against Atsumu's shoulders. "Your existence is much more meaningful than that. Everyone lives for a reason. And then die because of a reason, maybe due to old age, sickness, we never know."

Something tightened inside Atsumu's chest. He could hear some people running and laughing on the background.

Maybe Kageyama knew. Maybe he could feel it. Atsumu was indeed a strange and slightly damaged boy on his head. Behind his knowing grin and playful expression, there was a boy who looked so broken and sad. Conversations that often digress, his face often lost focus and he drifted off somewhere, while everyone admired his beauty. 

But Kageyama was more beautiful. His enchanting gaze; that deep ocean orbs. Literally he was beautiful. Too beautiful.

And sometimes— _many times_ —Atsumu didn't know what's hidden behind his beauty.

"You're special, Miya-san."

"Isn't that just your opinion?" Atsumu joked. "Also I told you before, don't call me Miya. My brother goes to this school too ya' know."

"Then, _Atsumu_ -san." It felt nice hearing his own name being called like that. Atsumu wanted to treasure this moment forever in his mind and heart. "That wasn't just an opinion of mine. I do really think you're special."

"How come? What makes me so different compared to other people?"

"It's not about whether you're different or not," Kageyama paused. "I meant, you're special in your own way. And everyone else is also special in their own way. I may not be the best in socializing, but I know for sure that I don't ever want to live alone in this world."

_Me too, Tobio-kun._

"Are you happy to live in this world, Tobio-kun?" Atsumu showed a genuine smile.

He grabbed Kageyama's collar, pulling him in to a kiss. Atsumu's heart was thumping like crazy. Kageyama's lips felt so soft, he could even taste the fresh strawberry flavor on the younger's lips— _since when Tobio drinks strawberry milk anyway?_

One second.Two seconds. Three seconds.Kageyama's eyes caught Atsumu's. It was a moment of awkwardness, Atsumu could feel Kageyama's body went rigid at the sudden contact between their mouths, noting the way the younger's eyes went wide. And then suddenly, without warning, Atsumu tilted his head to the left, and his hand guided Kageyama's the opposite way, and then he was fitting their mouths together, slotting into a comfortable rhythm.

Atsumu tried not to surpass a smirk when one of Kageyama's hands landed in his hair, tugging and pulling him even closer. Which then made Atsumu moaned into Kageyama's mouth. The latter stiffened.

Then the hand in Atsumu's locks gripped hard, painfully yanking him away. Kageyama's face looked like it was about to explode, he stepped back to get some space. And Atsumu laughed at that.

"Are you happy to live in this world, Tobio-kun?" Atsumu repeated his question from before. This time they were silent for a long time. But it's okay, Atsumu was always waiting for Kageyama's answers, in whatever its form. He spoke the sentence in a form of a cheeky smile, accompanied by a nod when Kageyama had simply answered him with a 'Yes'.

The boy was probably too embarrassed to say anything more than that. Kageyama was still trying to avoid Atsumu's gaze, staring at anywhere but Atsumu himself.

"Just so you know, I'm planning to do that again." Atsumu winked with a grin on his feature.

* * *

Atsumu's obstacle came in a form of a guy named Hinata Shouyo.

Atsumu's new teammate and Kageyama's new classmate. Hinata got transferred on the second semester of the school's year. At first Atsumu didn't think much of him. After all, Hinata was merely another first year student with too much attitude but too little intelligence.

Hinata somewhat reminded Atsumu of his new mother, who doesn't look so ugly but really—she is very stupid. Despite marrying his father, who was an electronics store owner, she couldn't even distinguish which ones are AAA batteries and AAAA batteries. But it was alright, Atsumu didn't hate this woman. That's because she realized that she was stupid, she would say "I don't know" in a frank way to what she really didn't know. When customers asked something complicated, she didn't give any ambiguous answers. She would always write it down, asking dad in the next opportunity, then call the customer back. She was a fool who deserved respect. And Atsumu had accepted her.

But Hinata Shouyo was different. He was an idiot. Sometimes he spoke like he's above everyone else; but seriously—without Kageyama by his side, Hinata was nothing more than a weak decoy. Atsumu hated his optimism more than anything else, he wanted to _crush_ him into pieces. Atsumu wanted to break his heart apart.

What the most annoying of all was the fact he's always, _always_ by Kageyama's side. Inside and outside the court; the two were always together. _Who does he think he is?_ Atsumu could feel his veins vibrate, jaws clenching hard—his vision turned crimson.

For the first time in his life, Atsumu felt the need, _the desire_ ; to kill someone.

* * *

Millions of stars lighted up the dark sky. Such sparkling as painted on canvas, so unreal. Too beautiful to look at.Like another dimension. There was no deafening sound that Atsumu could hear. This beautiful universe was delusive, oddly enough, he hoped it's true.

Sometimes Atsumu asked; how could the sky be so good-looking with only the various lights printed on it?As he held up a finger, he behaved properly. Counting every gleaming points that will never run out, just to see _your little smile_. Atsumu was willing.

Kageyama's smile always refracted his vision. In a state of solitude, his mind began to run wild. Days passed without certainty. Overnight everything turned into emptiness. When Atsumu slept, he felt afraid, because when he woke up he felt uneasy. Sometimes he dreamed the same nightmare, those vivid white and red petals. He kept on running after the same dark blue-eyed boy, the same raven haired kid.

Then it felt so paining, when something that once filled every seconds of the scope of his emptiness; suddenly disappeared.

Atsumu always pictured his face at night— _one night_ , Atsumu tried to forget him by swallowing some sleeping pills, which he found in the drawer. There were many pills, he didn't know what for.But then he dreamt about _Tobio_ again. In his dream, _Tobio_ was sick. But then the latter only took the fever medicine that were for children because he didn't like the bitter aftertaste on other medicines.

Kageyama was like a fussy five years old;like looking for attention, like looking for problems and commotion. The kid who would cry when his friend cried first.The cry was louder. Annoying.

The loud cry was bursting onto Atsumu’s eardrums. He woke up with sweats flooding against his forehead. Wiping it slightly with the palm of his hand, he combed his bangs using his fingers and turned his head to make sure the time was no longer at two in the morning.

He then turned his head to glance over his brother, who was standing in front of a mirror.

"You're getting ready already?" Atsumu questioned, his throat was burning.

"I have morning practice today with Shouyo." Osamu grumbled. "You can still sleep if you want."

Atsumu hummed, rolling his body to look at the ceiling.

"Do you like him?"

"Pardon?" Osamu side-eyed Atsumu.

"Hinata Shouyo." Atsumu prompted. "Do you like him?" _Because I don't._

"Not really. He's too annoying, and he talks too much. I only agreed to come to practice with him because I don't want to disappoint the coach." Osamu answered.

"I hate Hinata Shouyo." Atsumu confessed aloud.

"I know," Osamu muttered. "You've said it before. Plenty of times." He snickered under his breath.

"Well," Atsumu rose up, he sat on the edge of his bed. "Do you have someone that you like, Osamu?"

"In a romantic way?"

Atsumu nodded.

His head was already dizzy from lack of sleep, he could feel his eye-bags hanging under his orbs. Kageyama probably wouldn't like if Atsumu didn't get enough sleep. Sometimes, in practice, he would catch Kageyama staring more than necessary at him, long enough to fuck up his own game.

"Tobio-kun."

"Huh?" Atsumu was so out of it.

"I like Tobio-kun." Osamu flashed a smile toward Atsumu's direction.

And suddenly, Atsumu could feel his world crumbling into pieces.

* * *

Osamu's fingertips were touching against Kageyama's, intentionally or not. Occasionally touching his finger, sometimes his arm, or sometimes _'accidentally'_ touching his hair that looked so soft. Probably leaving some traces—heating against his fingers.

Kageyama certainly noticed. He was always aware of what Osamu was doing, but he never told Osamu to stop. Kageyama was a kind person. He knew, but he gave no response. As if he is just letting Osamu be on the edge, feeling uneasy, with questions without answers.

Atsumu watched them from afar. Bokuto's arm was flinging around Atsumu's shoulders, the older boy was busy talking to Kuroo. But Atsumu couldn't hear anything, any words; that were slipping out of Bokuto and Kuroo's mouths. It felt so bland, so blank. Atsumu's world was resembling a white canvas.

Atsumu could see Kageyama's little smile every once in a while. He let Osamu touched his fingers. It was supposed to be a practice, a volleyball practice. The volleyball was on Kageyama's hands, but instead of coordinating their moves and Kageyama's tosses, Osamu decided to _flirt_ with him.

Apart from just touching, Osamu only dared to hold Kageyama's hand for a split second. When Kageyama nearly dropped the ball, Osamu grabbed it for him. Their hands brushed with one and another, and Osamu held Kageyama's fingers for a brave moment, before releasing it. Kageyama only showed a small smile, didn't understand the situation he was in, he was leaving Osamu alone with his feelings that weren't clearly reciprocated.

And Atsumu hated it. Osamu didn't seem like he expected much. From other people's perspective, Osamu might be looking like he's just playing with Kageyama because he's bored. Or maybe just to fulfill his sense of curiosity.

Osamu didn't do much anyway. As if, what he had right now was enough. As if only by feeling the shadows on the tips of his fingers could already satisfy his heart. As if seeing the smile that Kageyama continued giving to his direction was more than plenty.

Atsumu didn't know how long he would stand there. He didn't know how long he would let his brother taking all the risks, and getting every little thing he desired from the raven haired male.

Didn't Osamu know? He would only be here, with questions that still had no answers to it, with regrets that he should never regret.

Or maybe, it was all in Atsumu's head–?

Maybe he was the one regretting things.

Maybe he was the victim.

Maybe he was the fool.

* * *

[ “A heart that already been disappointed, destroyed , or broken is like a ship that had sunk down into the deep ocean. You can focus on everything, but those things aren’t meant to be fixed or saved any longer. Or maybe, you can focus on the wealth—precious treasures hidden somewhere there.” Atsumu threw a flat shaped rock into the middle of the lake.

They watched the stone jump several times over the surface before finally sinking.

"Believe me, there is nothing in vain or useless in this life. There will always be a valuable item that can be taken.” Atsumu continued with a disturbing smile.

But Osamu was too busy looking far into the middle of the lake to notice. He huffed, tolerating his twin’s words before it penetrated into his head and heart. Osamu felt a little calm.

"Your turn," Atsumu said, handing the flat stone to be thrown by Osamu. “If you lose, you have to buy me another ice cream.” Atsumu cooed as Osamu took the stone from his hand.

Before throwing, Osamu closed his eyes—imagining a familiar figure. He smiled when he saw the figure smiled at him. Osamu took a deep breath before he actually threw the stone. It jumped several times over the surface, and finally sank a dozen meters further from the point where Atsumu’s rock had sunk.

“Damn," Atsumu whistled. “You’re good.” ]

* * *

"Someone, anyone, I beg you...please...save me!"

Hinata Shouyo was running with stertorous breaths between the abandoned buildings. Occasionally, turning his eyes, to find the black shadow that had followed him ever since he got off the bus. Hinata heard a whistling tone. He widened his eyes. The shadow was still there. Chasing after him.

Trying to trick the stalker, the first year studentdeliberately headed to an uninhabited area—jumping over the fences. Hoping the shadow would lose track. But little did he know, Hinata was the one being deceived, he went to the area the shadow had wanted him to go.

The shadow was still following him, he looked so relaxed, thumping his black shoes against the surface of the earth. The shadow seemed in a good mood, and it was creeping Hinata out. And even when he had run far away, the stalker never seemed to lose track. He was literally right about five-ten meters behind him.

Hinata got even more oppressed. He accelerated his pace and disappeared round the corner, in an alley between two buildings.Finding a large trashcan, he decided to hide behind it.

He was out of breath, and the cold from the rain had finally hit him. Hinata felt like he was running from a nightmare he never wanted to see—even though he might've had dreamed of it.Oh, no, even his nightmares were more beautiful than whatever it was then.

"Ring around the rosie, pocket full of posies.." The shadow singsong.

Hinata lowered his body even more when he heard a sound like the collision of an object against the electric poles around that place.

"Ashes, ashes.."

Hinata hugged his legs tightly, curled his body— _trembling_. Trying to slow his breathing so that no one, anything, was chasing him now.His heart was beating fast, until he himself could hear the thud.

'No, please, no.I'm begging you, Kami-sama.Help me.Save me. Please.' Hinata prayed silently.

As if his prayers were answered, there were no suspicious noises that frightened him like before. Only the sound of the rain that blew that night could be heard. Slowly releasing the hug from his feet, Hinata cocked his head back from behind the trash can where he was hiding.

The citrus haired male sighed with relief when he didn't find any suspicious shadows there. But that was apparently only the beginning.Like the sea which is so calm before a great storm hit.

"WE ALL FALL DOWN!"

The loud noise of something falling on the cover of the large trashcan where he hid, surprised the young lad.The look of horror was reflected in both of his eyes as he looked up at the sound coming from.

One black-clad figure stared intently at him. His smile turning wide and wicked.

"Shouyo-kun! I missed you!" He said cheerfully, grinning cruelly at the male.

"Please don't do this, Atsumu-san!"

The figure chuckled at him, removing a knife under his coat. Hinata's eyes went wide. Atsumu licked on the sharp side of the tool so sensually.

"I really hate you, you know."

Suddenly everything felt like a slow motion, Atsumu's hand had grabbed onto Hinata's neck—slamming him against the hard wall behind him. Hinata winced in pain, feeling the side of his head bleeding, he turned to look—it was a brick wall.

But before he could say anything more, the knife had already cut into his throat. Hinata didn't even have the time to scream again. His bulging eyes became a witness when Atsumu had forced him to meet up with the angel of death.

* * *

[ Breaking News—Hinata Shouyo, 16, a first year high school student, had been found dead yesterday in a inhabited area near the Takemoto building. It seemed the victim was stabbed in his throat, Ukai Keishin was the first witness who had found his body, he said—the condition of the victim's body was already in a dreadful state as soon as he approached the soulless body. The victim had blood all over his face and clothes. Please stay tune for further investigation. ]

* * *

Outer space is a vacuity.

Far ahead, Atsumu could see the endless black and void. As if he was standing in a dark seashore that was ready to swallow him anytime. Atsumu momentarily closed his eyes. When he opened his eye-lids, Atsumu felt that the landscape he saw was no different from the condition when his eyes were closed.

This was him. Sorrowful and empty.

Stars were seen gleaming and visible in the night starry sky. The small light he had witnessed flickered far above the roof of his house, now it was only a constant point far from his reach. Even if Atsumu was in outer space, he still couldn't reach them. The distance between himself and the star was thousands, or even millions, and Atsumu would die if he dared to chase after them. It was only a matter of time, the remaining seconds for him to be alive in outer space couldn't last for so long.

And Atsumu would take that chance to think, about so so many things in such a short time.

There were tens, hundreds, thousands of ideas that cross his mind. About a boy running around the outskirts of the earth, passing neat houses and beautifully arranged front yards. Atsumu never dreamed of becoming someone like his mother, to be an inventor. He dreamed of circling the world, reaching various cultures that he had been watching from behind the television screen. Atsumu was interested in things that were not human anatomy, not physiology and how organs worked. Atsumu was interested in science and knowledge, maybe it was because the influence of his mother, even despite still not wanting to be someone like her—Atsumu still respected scientist and inventors, he still could respect someone like her.

Unrealistic as it seemed, Geography felt like challenge for him. The history of civilization, the development from hunting and gathering to the hustle and bustle of the trade and service industry, was also an interesting thing for Miya Atsumu. His curiosity was great, to the point that he had been shocked when he wanted to justify his broken room switch.

Sometimes, he missed his mother. Her sweet gestures, cheerful laughter, funny reactions, plus the way she smiled. But then, there was also other times when Atsumu couldn't stand her more than anyone, anything in this unfair world; when those times came, he always tried his best to control his overbearing emotion. Telling himself it was okay, he was okay. It was her decision to abandon Atsumu. It was her decision to leave. And never once in Atsumu's current lifetime that his mother came back to him. She became like another memory to him. And no, Atsumu didn't hate her—he could never hate her.

Even if Atsumu screamed the top of his lungs, even if he cried until his eyes puffy and swollen—she would never come back to him.

"Atsumu-san."

Atsumu woke up from his reverie.

Kageyama looked like a mess. Like a tragic, beauteous mess. The muscles in his face distorted, and moistures filled his eyes. Atsumu pulled his eyebrows together, chewing on his bottom lip as he continued staring at the beautiful view in front of him. He quoted Dostoevsky; _"Right or wrong, it's very pleasant to break something from time to time."_

Those eyes looked darker than the usual. But still, it looked so enchanting. Kageyama's mind was blank, a total absence of any thought for a moment. Then..it dawned on him, there was a high-pitched buzzing, the scratching of a chalkboard, the crackling sounds of fireworks, the shattering of glass. Those were the sounds of Kageyama's mind as it came to a mind-shattering realization.

"Hinata is dead."

Kageyama's eyes were wide, mouth slowly spreading across his face, contorting into a mortified expression, his breathing became so unsteady it almost sounded like he was hyperventilating. Then, the tears began to clump into beads that ran down from his cheekbones to the base of his jawline, one by one...puddles were forming on the floor. Atsumu showed a sympathetic look, reaching out to gently grip Kageyama's shoulder, which was ultimately the last straw to him. Kageyama let out a heart-breaking, ear-splitting shriek as his arms tremble, his hands pressing onto his temples as he crumbles down into Atsumu's arms, a mere shell of a man who was smiling mere seconds ago.

Kageyama's entire body was trembling. "Atsumu-san," He murmured against Atsumu's skin.

_This._

_This is what Atsumu wanted._

Kageyama looking broken, helpless, and vulnerable. Kageyama in his embrace, Kageyama's fingertips clawing hard against the clothes Atsumu was wearing, Kageyama's head buried onto his neck—seeking for comfort. And then Kageyama would call his name in a soft, brittle voice.

A faint smile formed on Atsumu's lips.

He loved Kageyama Tobio. He loved Kageyama very much and was willing to do anything to keep him by his side. Hinata Shouyo was just another nuisance, he was in the way of this blooming relationship.

The emotion that was eating Atsumu alive wasn't regret, it was satisfaction; because he could finally get what he wanted. Kageyama needed him— _yes_ , that's exactly what he wanted, to be needed by Kageyama Tobio. Atsumu didn't want to live in a world where Kageyama didn't exist. He needed Kageyama Tobio to stay stable and sane. Kageyama Tobio was his air, his oxygen, _his king_. Nothing matters but him. No one matters but him.

His cute, small smile. His sweet-looking lips. His cold ocean-eyes. His curses that always pumped Atsumu's adrenaline. His low, confusing apologies. And his calm, deep sincere voice. Sometimes when no one was looking, Atsumu stole some kisses from Kageyama's lips in the morning. Then Atsumu would never miss the chance to mention and tease Kageyama's reddening cheeks.

Maybe _living_ for this person wouldn't be so bad.

Establishing his heart, Atsumu stepped back for a moment. The arm which was now starting to grow with circular muscles, reached Kageyama's spine—pulling himself even closer.

A long kiss, purely as a form of needs and reminder. Kageyama's lips were wet and salty. Atsumu narrowed his eyes, his chest tightening in the most uncomfortable way. Kageyama's hands were scraping, untidying the white shirt the blonde was wearing. His arms trembled violently against Atsumu's chest. The latter decided to deepen the kiss, rolling their tongues together.

The tears that had tracked down Kageyama's cheek met Atsumu's mouth. Salivas flowed slowly down Kageyama's chin. Atsumu felt an electrifying sensation against his pulse, then an inferno flicking intensely right through his body. He could practically hear his beating heart thumping against his ears.

Kageyama's breaths were increasing more irregular. Atsumu angles his head to the side, licking into the other's lips, taking Kageyama's bottom lip between his teeth.

Atsumu began squinting his eyes, a prominent figure was standing behind them. Osamu steel eyes were snapping wide in disbelief. Atsumu didn't expect to see him here; actually, he _should've_ expected it. Osamu was sweating, every drop of sweat that streamed down his temple—every drop of sweat that streamed down his throat, disappearing into his already drenched shirt. Osamu probably just finished his volleyball practice.

He could see his brother's expression turning blank and sullen. In a blink of an eye, Osamu's gaze turned icy cold, pressing his lips together in a firm line.

Atsumu pulled away, embracing Kageyama even more tightly as the latter smothered himself in his chest. Atsumu finally took a good look at Osamu's face—he could see his facial features tensing every now and then. Atsumu's mouth began to shape into a sinister, triumphant grin.

_This was his victory._

* * *

Atsumu quoted Haruki Murakami's words in The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle; _"Is it possible, in the final analysis, for one human being to achieve perfect understanding of another? We can invest enormous time and energy in serious efforts to know another person, but in the end, how close can we come to that person's essence? We convince ourselves that we know the other person well, but do we really know anything important about anyone?"_

Some people were very meaningful in your life. Some of them knew, some didn't. Some consider it valuable, some didn't care. Some can be your place to vent out your emotions, some you can only admire. Some can stay in your life, some just stop by. In the end, the heart wanted what the heart wanted.

Atsumu thought that he knew his mother well, but the truth was—he didn't know anything about her other than the fact she was this genius, kind of temperamental woman. Atsumu still read the books his mother gave him. Mother was someone he really looked up to.

But the memories of his mother felt exactly like winter. _He didn't want to become like mother_. Just a mere of memory, just a mere of a dark silhouette.

Winter used to be torture. At least for Atsumu. He didn't like how the temperature dropped so much that it was below 0 degrees Celsius and that was terrible. He was forced to wear layers of clothing, slippery thick socks, and _fucking_ earmuffs.

Atsumu realized that winter was the boundary between autumn and spring. All things were created with a limit. How humans responded to existing boundaries depended on themselves. Either try to go against those limits, leave them alone because they don't care enough, or make peace with them.

For this matter, Atsumu chose to make peace.

Because he had Kageyama now.

Some said that winter was a reason to return home. Winter was a good reason to get warmth, tussled in a blanket with a cup of hot drink, for a hand grip and a conversation between the aroma of coffee and a delicious piece of cake. It sounded perfect and maybe this time Atsumu agreed to it: that winter was the time to return home.

Atsumu breathed, looking at the Tokyo skyline that morning—his irises fell on to the other students who were already playing soccer on the field. He had been waiting for almost an hour, not wanting to miss the chance to give Kageyama a nice good morning kiss. The sun didn't seem to have the urge to be hot, thick clouds covered its gleaming, fiery light—the cloudy atmosphere adorning the morning in the Tokyo sky.

He really wanted to see Kageyama as soon as possible.

Atsumu slowly closed his eyes, trying to shape the figure in his mind, digging into the warmth— _and it's not even winter yet._

Kageyama Tobio, owner of anthracite-colored hair. His soft-looking face coupled with the ocean-matching eyeballs in the seashore, told a million stories without words. Its calm presence always warmed the atmosphere around it.

Kageyama felt like home.

His smile, his honesty, his hug....he gave everything away without a price, without any requirements. He was tender and kept trying his best to understand other people. He might not show it often, but Atsumu knew, he knew that Kageyama cared—more than he let on.

Kageyama accepted people for who they're, never demanding an explanation or anything at all. He was kind, so sincere—but because of his lack of social skill and _perhaps_ vocabularies, many people misunderstood him and his intentions.

"Atsumu-san? Why so early?"

Atsumu rose up from his seat, meeting Kageyama's orbs—once again. Those beautiful ocean blue eyes. Atsumu would never get over it.

Kageyama Tobio was the summer to his winter.

* * *

_**I think I’ll dismember the world** _

_**and then I’ll dance in the wreckage.** _

_— Neil Gaiman, Preludes & Nocturnes _

_(The Sandman, #1) —_

* * *

[ The knife was as dull as his arm in the darkness of the room, and Atsumu knew he should put it away. But the canvas in his mind was already filled with a sort of red coloring paint. Atsumu grinned maniacally, he knew he really should have stopped twisting it around in his hand—it aimed right to Osamu’s throat.

“Samu, I really don’t wanna kill you.” He spoke in a warning, dangerous tone.

“Atsumu, what the fuck?!” Osamu’s eyes widened in fear, his hands gripping onto Atsumu’s shoulder blades.

“You’re my brother, my extremely precious twin brother.” Blood started to draw out from Osamu’s neck.

Osamu gasped in pain.

“Promise me one thing, and maybe I’ll let you go.”

“What?! Fucking say it! What the fuck do you want?”

Atsumu flashed a cynical look.

“I want you to stay away from Tobio-kun.” ]

* * *

Atsumu spent most of his childhood and youth oscillating in the question of who should he believe, who should he choose, who should he consider good.

A period of confusion that sometimes felt tiring. Until he finally realized, it was necessary to see something as broad and clear as possible in order to be able determine a good decision. And now he was mature enough to speak that he didn't need to choose sides. He would continued training himself not to be easily provoked or immersed in the perception of one side of the party.

He was mature enough to realize that his situation wasn't necessary lamented. His situation was a sign—that his life didn't need to be like other people. He didn't have to live his mother's dreams. He could be anything, anyone he wanted.

Occasionally he did grumble about the little things in his life, but if someone ever asked him—what was lacking in his life, he would wholeheartedly answer, "I fell in love with my life with all the gratitude for what is and isn't. Even if all those people are getting more successful than I am, I will still feel grateful for what I currently have. What I have is temporary, what I don't have is also temporary."

Expectations were a knife which if not neatly arranged, not carefully grasped, not used wisely—will hurt yourself. And often, the open wounds that you had made, such carelessness, suddenly got thrown in as someone else's mistake.

They said, _they do things that are best for them_. But the differences in each of their characters made them in a state where they must be separated. It had made Atsumu laughing. From the angle of his point of view, they aren't actually in love with one another, so no, there was no point for them to lower their ego for the other person just to keep it together.

Atsumu didn't know much about difference, but people like him knew, that they're willing to fight even many times harder than most people who can get along and be together. Don't we all understand the meaning of the word _"endgame"_? We have thought about it, talking about it—trying, wishing, praying, even fighting for it.

We all have to get on with our lives. We love each other, and with that love, we learned to accept that maybe sometimes—we were not compatible with each other, we weren't meant to be.

But would Atsumu really be okay with it? He didn't know the right answer to that question. Indeed he was grateful for what he already had, but will that really satisfy him? Because he knew, he was egotistic—his heart couldn't ever lie. He would do anything to have what his heart desired.

He never regretted meeting, fall in love, and missing the same person he had always chased after. _Kageyama Tobio_. Atsumu never thought, understood so much about love—precisely when he's in love in a state where he thought maybe, _maybe_ he was just not good enough.

Atsumu thirsted for something more meaningful. He wanted to spend his time in a way that made him felt more than just the word adequate. He hated small talk, he hated comments full of criticism and suggestions from people who couldn't do anything besides guessing and assessing remotely. He hatedwords that had no meaning to it. He hated being unable to say that everything was more than enough.

And above all of those things, he hated not being able to control his own ego.

There was something magical about someone who was deeply in love with another person who was busy doing the things that they truly loved. Like volleyball. So miraculous that also can change other people's lives. So magical to the point Atsumu got even more addicted to volleyball itself. So magical to the point anything bad could be turned into writing, painting, lyrics, movements, sculpture, melody, film, or work. Anything that had power to make someone smiling, crying, determined, act, and even at the moment full of despair and nothingness—it could boost their energy, help-making them continue to live one more day.

Atsumu had decided. That his life will reach its potential by stop blaming, stop holding grudges, and stop taking sides—so he could be the best version for himself, for anyone who lived for him and who had left him behind.

Life was truly something mysterious. End of sadness apparently not always the beginning of happiness. Grief had subsided, his nostalgic memories had already burning on its own, his disappointments had been forgotten. Atsumu felt anger but there was also a dullness within his heart.

That was before he met his first love. Kageyama Tobio.

Their love story was like a manic, turbulent wave of emotions that overwhelmed Atsumu's senses, like the feeling of drowning that burned your lungs.. but instead, it filled Atsumu with oxygen, even when he sunk so deep into the abyss. And yet, as he dove deeper..it only grew simultaneously brighter and darker, two opposites juxtaposing each other and co-existing...atleast, for Miya Atsumu.

Atsumu never regretted to fall in love.

People said that first love was someone who decided a standard of how it felt to fall in love; what it's like to be in love; what were you looking for in that person you love? And that standard would be what and who you bring in your next stories. They said, it'd made you realize that first love was someone who automatically lived in the figures that you seek and love.

Miya Atsumu would do anything for Kageyama Tobio. Even if it meant he had to jump over the wide, deep blue sea just to make Kageyama smile. Even if it meant he had to sacrifice one of his eyeballs just so Kageyama could still look only at him when something happened to his own eyes. Even if it meant he had to stab someone's heart, to cut someone's neck, to break someone's leg, to saw or dismember someone's body—Atsumu would do everything, everything just to keep Kageyama by his side.

No one could dare intervene.

This time he'd make sure—the person that Atsumu loved, would forever stay by his side.

Kageyama Tobio wouldn't ever leave him. He couldn't leave him. He mustn't leave him.

Kageyama Tobio would _always_ need him, and Atsumu would make sure of it.

Those sweet, dark blue ocean eyes were only allowed to stare at him. That little smile he sometimes liked to show, it belonged to Atsumu. Kageyama's heart, soul, body—his whole existence was Atsumu's. He was his, only his.

Kageyama Tobio was his.

_Fuck everyone else’s opinions._

Do not touch what’s his—or you might lose something more precious; _your life_.

* * *

[ "When you kiss me, every parts of me—

that had died a long time ago, began

resurrecting again. "

"I didn’t fix anything. You’re the one

who had done it yourself. I might be

your reason for doing it, but that desire

and power that you have—within you—

are the ones that doing all the work. Not me. "

“Really? You think so?”

"I just want you to know that your healing

and happiness is your own responsibility.

With me, you share your happiness, and

with you, I share my own happiness. And

because everything will be divided, will be

multiplied, that's why we’ll feel happier

together. " ]

* * *

Happiness is a fragile thing, like froth. 

_Is this too disgusting as a prelude to a high school kid's will?_

On the night the person I love the most left me, even the shampoo in the bathroom ran out. Life is like this. What will I make, I add water to the shampoo bottle enough for a single use, shake it hard until it will be filled with the small foams.

That's when I thought so. This is me. A flowing current that reached into a source of happiness that was left a smidgen, making it foam—a small bundle of froth that fill it up, a spume that reflected the inner layers of multifaceted happiness. Even though I knew it was only a hole of a full imagination, it's better than the thought of an emptiness in the veil of this heart.

If I could, I'd like to say it in your goddamn face—that you burn away trust and my hope for a beautiful love story, that you are responsible for the emptiness and dullness of my life, that my inability to understand the concept of love is your fault, and there is nothing you can do to fix it.

I want you to know that you have erased half of the beautiful part in someone's life—my life, and that can no longer come back. I want you to be fully aware of how great the destruction that you cause and feel guilty, feel sorry, as if you would suffer a lifetime because of regret. 

However, I know you won’t care. I feel like I was killed twice already. You said, you’ll come back for me. You said, you’ll remember me. You said, you loved me. Your lies were stacking up. Did you even care about me? About this family? About Osamu? I could never hate you—because I loved you, mom. I needed you as much as you needed me to fulfill your dreams.

But with your indifferences, I finally realize the most beautiful and most important thing in this life: whatever’s done is done. I can’t force you to come back—and don’t worry, because I won’t. I don’t want to act like I’m a victim from your lifehood. I don’t want to blame you, because I have my own responsibilities now.

Who will save my sweet beloved, if it’s not me? Who will protect my sweet beloved, if it’s not me?

Thank you for everything that you have done for me, now I am able to forgive you.

Because you sacrifice yourself to be an evil-party for the sake of teaching me; lessons of life.

_Au revoir, bitch!_

**—Miya Atsumu**

**Author's Note:**

> • After 3 d a y s I finally finished this draft! Oml, it was so painful 🤧  
> • My beta helped me writing 3 scenes here, especially in Kageyama’s crying scene uwu Love you, Masya!  
> • This fanfic got inspired by one of my favorite novels


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